Self Heartbreak

How am I supposed to know what love is when I broke my own heart? How I am supposed to feel when I’m told my emotions are too deep? and that they know I’m hiding behind the camera crying because I am too weak . . . I feel numb this morning. “You can’t just lay this on me” they say like they’re carrying the burden. Am I the burden? If so, how am I supposed to ask someone to carry me because I need it? I want to disappear. It’s so hard to keep hearing these things in my head. To hear the things they say. The voices get loud at night. They say “It’s just because you’re tired” “You can’t gage your emotions at this hour” “You’re overreacting” “It’s done, forget about it and go to bed.” I’m the only one who knows that the reason the voices come out at night is because I am strong enough to push them away during the day. I’m weak at night. I surrender to the enemy at night. I want to leave most at night.

How do I escape the voices when I have already given them the power. when I hang my power up for the night? I ask for the power during the day to simply survive. It’s barely enough to keep me pushing. “You have to keep pushing,” Aidan says. He says I am capable, but right now I feel anything but.

I’m scared that in a time of great weakness, I will fully surrender to the enemy. I need healing, God. I need a miracle. I have begged to be saved. I have felt your overwhelming love and salvation, yet, God, why do I feel so sick? Why can’t I forgive myself? I am running out of things to grasp onto here God. I don’t want to leave, but it is becoming harder and harder to hold on. I’m starting to lose my grip. My hands are bloody and blistering. I can’t be all of the things I’m asked to be: A good student, a good daughter, a good worker, a good friend . . . when I can’t even be good to myself. How did you make me? Who am I supposed to be for you? I know I cannot follow the orders of this world, because that is what put me here in the first place.

My therapist says I have emotional depth. The depth part is what scares me. I know what the darkness looks like, but I don’t know what is at the bottom. I’m too scared to go to the bottom for fear that there is where I live with the enemy forever. I can’t paint what’s at the bottom of the hole because it scares me and I don’t think I have seen it clearly yet. I’ve been close, but it feels blurry.

I wish I could stop feeling for two seconds. I need a breath of air. A fresh breath. When can I feel light again? When can I look forward? Or even right in front of me in peace?

Do I fear love? Am I scared of rejection of myself? I have already shut myself out. I don’t see what I have to lose. I think I feel undeserving of something as great as love.